Dear John.

Dear John

Dear John, you were all that I could think of
from the time I wake up 'till my lights are off.
I know this sounds freaking crazy
but for a girl like me, you're just so dreamy.

my throbbing heart would skip a beat
as our wandering eyes meet.
he walks down the hallway.
I couldn't believe he's going my way,
passing by the girl I thought he dated before.
he gives me a high five and what was that for?
his palm touching mine worked like magic,
leaving those mean girls' eyes in tragic.

his smile and his cheery personality
coincides with his Chuck Taylors and navy blue tee.
I know I'm nothing compared to those girls,
flirting with him in high heels and their hair in curls.
unlike I, who's like a dot on a paper,
just a girl in old blue jeans and a pair of sneakers,
who gets stuck in a book and a paper with pen,
always hoping he'd glance at me again.

Dear John, you laugh and you tell me a joke
as we dig in our Mr. Chips and drink our Coke.
though we exchange smiles and stories of fun,
do you know I yearn for you to hold my hand?

that was one starry Saturday night,
when you said my brown eyes shined,
just like the eastern star that night.
if only you knew, those words seemed just right.

This poem is something that came out from my heart. I was just scribbling and the words just popped out. I just couldn't believe I have written a poem for two amazing people who don't even know about this. That's the best thing. I have freely expressed my feelings.
But, deep inside my heart, something's making me yearn to tell these two people how I feel. I don't know but it's totally absurd. I hope that it will never happen. But if it does happen, I just pray that it would be at the right time and at the right place. Gosh. I'm getting out of the reserved side of me. I think it's a good thing though. But, it's totally not right to tell everything what's on my mind without even thinking a hundred folds.
I'm a risk taker, anyway. And, I'm just going to put my cards on the table.

It's the First Year.

Twelve months and seven days have already passed since the very first day I've posted my very first entry to tell the world that I officially have a blog.
I could still remember the girl who have started this blog feeling so thrilled to start something new. Something she never thought would help her to her own self-discovery.
Many things have happened. Many feelings have changed. Many thoughts have been realized. Many goals have been reached. Many fallbacks have taught me to rise again. Many majestic moments have been experienced. In short, I can really say I've become matured.
This blog has helped me to be honest with my feelings and be freely open to people.
Thanks to you, my dear readers and I'm pretty glad we've reached the 500 visits in the statistics. LOL. You can call me pathetic and this amount may be so small but it is already a big deal for me. A big deal for an ordinary and typical girl like me. :D
Anyway, belatedHappy 1st Anniversary to us!

The Melancholic Truth

I'm back. I'm finally back and I feel like I've changed a lot since the last time I've posted something here in my blog. Since then, a lot has happened that only my journal and I knew about. It is the only thing that witnessed the events I've thought would never happen to me. The events that I should have foreseen for I always think of what happens next but then, I didn't. Life surprised me and it will continue to do so because of the twists and turning points just like a climax of a screenplay in a movie.

Since this blog is bound to talk about my ordinary existence and though it may not interest you and all the other readers, I will, from now on, be honest. What I'm about to tell you is something I can never speak of personally. I'm so not good in talking out about my feelings because I stammer all the time. So, I have contemplated and decided to write and to let the words just flow out of my heart as I press these keys on my laptop. What I'm about to tell you is some way to satiate this desire that you'd understand me. I suffocate when everybody's attention is at me. I am indeed a passive one. But just for this time, all I want is to be understood by others just for once.

I'm tired of hiding my feelings, trying to pretend everything's all right when it's not. I want to be sincere to myself. Though sometimes when I start to cry, buckets of tears would just endlessly flow right from the windows of my soul. It is because for such a long time pain has been locked up in the depths of my heart, wanting to explode. Then, I'd lie about being okay and I just cry and cry when no one sees me.

Because of this, I know people think of me as a weak and emotional girl just having problems coping up with my emotions. I know they think of me just like a little girl, crying every time her doll is stolen or her nanny didn't pick her up after school. That's just it. I don't care about it anymore. I don't care but I'd only ask for one thing. I hope you'd understand me.

As you read this story, please, to whoever reads this, do understand the confidentiality of this matter. Only your mind and eyes have the right to read and talk about this. I know, instinctively, to those who read my posts are the people whom I trust. I hope I can rely on that. At least, I can rely on that so I can freely express what a girl has been wanting to let out.


That was a fine summer day of May 6, 2009. A girl named Carrie just moved with her family in a neighboring house at her grandparents'. Many things have brought them back to that house. It was then, at around breakfast time, when she noticed something wasn't right. Her Aunt Em has told her to go to her house because they needed to talk privately. Something deep inside her tells her to not go to her house because Pandora's Box is waiting. It's something like that because Aunt Em's face is composed with inenarrable emotion of melancholy and sadness. But, she went anyway. She was not surprised when she saw her Dad and her brother at the living room of her aunt.

Her aunt started, "We have talked to the doctors," Carrie, wanting to cover her ears with her soft hands, could feel her heart beating rapidly. "and they said, she's got only a year left." When Carrie heard her words, it was as if her heart stopped for a moment or so, not realizing tears flowing out of her eyes. After that, everything was a blur. Her aunt's mouth was moving in a slow motion. Her Dad was crying with his hand on his face. Her brother was staring into space with eyes starting to red and drops of liquid flowed down his cheeks. Then, she felt a stinging pain as she collected her thoughts about what her Aunt Em had said.

What she had done with the rest of the day was staring into space and cried and thought about things like what would her life be without her? She hasn't graduated yet. She hasn't reached her dreams yet. She hasn't shown the love she felt for the person. She barely said the words of "I love you" to her mom.
The days came after that but she never cried again. She vowed not to cry anymore especially at home because it will only chase the remaining sense of happiness in the air away. There were times when she would want to cry but she controlled it. There were times when she really couldn't help it especially in school when she would cry buckets because it was the only time when she could. Every time she would be hurt badly, she'd remember those days and cry endlessly in school.
Besides crying, she prays. She prayed to God and thank Him for each day that passed given to her mother. May 6, 2010 came. She breathed and couldn't believe that they have surpassed the hard year of pain and suffering. She learned that her mother is going to live much longer than a year, two years, a decade, a score, and God willing, a century.

Life is not about how long you live or how you live. It's about how you live every moment and how to get the best out of life God has given you. Carrie has realized that and I hope I'd live with that, too, until the minute of my last breath. Just like Carrie, I've sacrificed and I've given up things I wanted for the sake of other people. Though they don't seem to know about it, I did it still. It just didn't matter. I'm just so fortunate that because of it, good things that I thought would never happen happened.
I've learned, too, that some things aren't meant for you due to the circumstances of life. I have also realized that if I haven't given up, I wouldn't have realized my mistakes and I wouldn't have found the priceless treasures around me, a best friend.

Remember, it may only take a moment to stop, look around and appreciate but it takes a lifetime to remember the moment.

Eleventh of February.

Here's the entry I've been wanting to post. It seemed such a long time ago when all of this happened. As I read it now, I'm having a hard time trying to remember my emotions and feelings back then so I could finish it. But, things have changed now. He's different. I'm totally different from before. Everything's different even my heart which has changed that I never expected. Now, that night is just a memory that I know I will never ever forget as long as I'm still captured with the wonders and beauty of love, young love.

I just had the night I thought would never come to reality and the night that I thought would only be in my dreams as I slumber through those lonely nights. Everything started like a flick of a magic wand. The ordinary girl who wears her hair on a ponytail and wears the simplest types of clothes and who happened to be me suddenly became a princess. It all started when I entered the glass doors of the castle. I could hear the music of the orchestra playing. I could see the glowing lights of yellow and gold. I don't know why it came to me to search his eyes. I wandered my eyes as I ignore those gazes thrown at me. At last, at the hall, I've found him. He was looking rather sleek and handsome as ever. I reached for his eyes and I found him looking at me. My heart suddenly leaped. I don't know but I felt like I've been to heaven when I saw his smile.

That's it. That's all I could passionately write about. I could not recall the feeling I had felt six months ago for my heart has changed but I will try my best to finish it. So, here's the story from what I could remember now.

The roll call was about to start. He held my hand as we walk down the red carpeted aisle. I was stunned. All of my classmates, friends, and acquaintances, are all so stunningly beautiful and handsome in their tuxedos and ball gowns but, for me, only one stood up. Only one stood up like a star shining so brightly in the night sky. And, I just can't believe that star was holding my hand.
The night rolled on. Foods and drinks, laughs and giggles, smiles and poses, lights and cameras, music and videos, were all around. Soothing music filled the air of joy and excitement as the first dances started. He wasn't my first dance but I couldn't help but feel extreme happiness as he ask for my hand for the dance. It was something. When we were finished, I was supposed to feel sadness because I know he has someone else he have been wanting to dance with. But I couldn't ask for more for it was the only thing I've wished for. I'm just so happy that he became a part of one of my best nights in my whole life.

I suppose this would have been so much longer if I have finished this six months ago and if my determination to write something like this hasn't gone and when the memories were still fresh. Looking back now, there were moments that have truly completed the night that I never had notice back when it all happened. I was so caught up with the person in the post when I didn't realize it and when I didn't appreciate it not until now. Right now, I could only think of those moments as the start of something that had brought me into this state, into this feeling, into this new heart. I don't know but I just couldn't let it out now.
Experiences in the past could really affect your choices in the present and in the future. This experience may never be erased from my heart for I know it's something worth telling to my future children.

NOTE: It may seem weird to you why I said it has been such a long time. Technically, the real date for this is August 6, 2010, 11:54 P.M. not February 14, 2010. Almost six months ago.

repetition and inconstant pressure.

School's back again for the remaining three months of the school year. It may be boring to read but I just feel like posting something about it here in my blog. I'm back to my old routine like last year.

I wake up at 5 am or even later than that. I groom myself. I eat my breakfast. Dad drops us on the highway. I ride a jeep while listening music on my phone. I enter the school gates and pass by the CAT officers. I listen, write, read and recite during our classes. I feel cold during Filipino class. I laugh with my classmates in our TLE class. I take my morning snack. I close my eyes during Chemistry class. I feel hungry but excited during Geometry and Trigonometry classes while figuring those number problems. I walk by the corridors with my friends to the gate. I eat my lunch with a good friend at a nearby eatery. I change my clothes to jogging pants and a tee. I do my homeworks that weren't done yet. I listen to the amazing World Wars history in our Social Studies class. I read and write Round Table Discussions in our English class. I do some physical activities in our MAPEH class. I hang out with friends at the Kwek-Kwekan. I ride a jeep, motorela and tricycle in going home. I wash my face and extremities. I eat my dinner. I talk with my parents with what's going on. I watch a movie in our DVD player. I brush my teeth. I prepare my things for tomorrow. I grab my pillow. Dad tucks me in. I pray. I think of unusual things. I sleep. I'm off to dreamland.

My routine may have been the same until now but the way I do those things will never be the same each day. It'll always be unique. And I've been into new things now. After lunch, I grab my ball and play Basketball with my friends. I turn out to be perspiring and dirty before the afternoon classes start.
School's back and so is pressure. It keeps on pressing me to the ground and turned out that some of my obligations can't be done. In order to deal with this pressure, time management is a must. But time is something I don't have. My time is always limited. So I end up missing my responsibilities.
So I've decided to let go some of my commitments to be able do my priorities right. I am only human. I'll never be able to do everything.